Just Audrey

A Text Message that made me Cry

2011-02-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

you tried calling,i refuse to answer

you tried texting,i refuse to reply

you tried comminucation,i cut all contact

just because you make a huge mess between your man and i

it was hard,you'll never know

i treated you like a sister,and you took me for granted

i felt like a doormat,you walked all over me

you messed up everything,you make me gone very cold

we were friends for more than 20 years

but you put us in a f@*ked up situation

you knew it was your fault,yet you didn't try to resolve

and then you had to go messing things up with your man and mine.

and now you expect me to drop everything else to be by your side

what do you expect me to do,when you chose a shitty 6 months relationship over ours?

and now when things happen,you want me in your life.

you know me,i don't play games

i am opening my heart,knowing you're gonna scatter it... all over again

i cried for you the whole day,did you know that my friend?

i cried because i thought you were smarter than that

all i want you to have,is a life full of happiness

not sorrow and suffering,with that stupid ass man of yours

But now he's your baby's daddy, i cried and cried the whole day the whole day

did you know that?

if it was somebody else,somebody whom treated you well from the start

i didn't have to cry,cry for you like that

I hope you are wise,wise to take things slow now,

and not because of the baby,

you marry that stupid ass of a boyfriend

that split you and i.

But im happy,happy you're gonna be a mother

knowing you forever,you're gonna be a great mother

My only wish is,i wish i could be there for you

Its heartbreaking to know,knowing i won't be in both lives today and everyday

I wish you didn't have to tell me,how do you expect me to react

i'm happy you're becoming a mommy,but i wish your that your baby's daddy

would just go to Hell.

and so my friend,i want you to know...know that i love you with all my heart

i never stop loving you but things are so messed up now

and i feel all i need is time.

by a

Heartbroken Friend

Secret :PART 2

2010-12-01T00:44:00.000-08:00

YES..We did it the other day.

*SMILES*

WHY???!!! What were you thinking???!! He's my Husband!

And So IT Happen when we gave up trying.

*SMILES*

I still feel its a long long way to go.

But I"m taking it one day at a time

Can"t Wait for my son and HIM to lay their hands on my big belly.

Son being a Brother.HIM being a father.

And for me to touch my Baby's Hands.

Secret :PART 1

2010-11-08T20:58:00.000-08:00

My Secret....

I smile...i smirk...just thinking about.....

What we did the other day....

And then...you make me sick to my stomach...it hurts...

When?

So when? When can i let you in to my secret?

I WAIT

Dear Diary,

2010-10-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

If you're alone, I'll be your shadow.  If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder.  If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.  If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.  But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.  ~Author Unknown
  

Dear Diary,

Here’s my situation. My Best friend is seeing this guy who I think is a really big jerk-AN ASSHOLE. In fact, I think he is extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive. 

Here’s a little sampling of his behaviour: He constantly accuses her of having affairs with other people, even when he must know it isn’t true. He is always grilling her about her activities, trying to insinuate that she is doing something wrong — meanwhile, he can do anything he wants, including seeing his friends for a few drinks if he wants to. He insults her about her past, calls her in the middle of the day to check on her, tells her all of her friends are trying to break them up and unworthy of hanging out with him, etc., etc. He also got a private investigator to investigate on one her exes and downloaded a software to hack into her hand phone to read her past sms-es and current.

He has also had temper tantrums where he has insult her many times especially on her past which he was trying to define her as a slut … you get the idea. I know that this is classic abusive behaviour, and that the next step could be physical violence. I don’t know if it is going to go that far.

The sad thing is, my friend realizes that he has all of these problems, but she just doesn’t take any action. She rationalizes it by saying that when he acts like a jerk she “calls him on it” and he apologizes. But he continues. She says that she knows how to handle him But the fact is, i think he is letting her handle him just for awhile until things mellow and the jerk will resurface again. More like he knows how to handle her. 

 I also know that she is watering down the things that she tells me sometimes because she knows that I think he is a loser and that she needs to get away from him. I have tried to be a listener when she comes to me to vent about his most recent tantrum, but it is getting hard for me to take it anymore. Even when we go as far as listing the pros and cons of the relationship (I’m trying hard to be neutral, but I am not very convincing) she admits that the cons far outweigh the pros, and again, does nothing.

Here’s the clincher: she is 28 and finally in a REAL relationship where she does not need to share him with anyone else but herself. I know she is reluctant to let go of him because this has been her first serious Single boyfriend .He is a divorcee with a kid. He claims that his wife left him because she cheated but I reckon it could be because if this same behaviour. We do not know the real story. I know these are big factors, that is why I have confronted her BUT she seems more distanced and as if been avoiding any contact from me.

Just recently, I just told her to dump him. This happened when one night she pulled me out from a dinner I was supposed to attend. She was crying hysterically as if someone died. We talked over wine. I let her vent out everything and I only realised this man has been causing her more grief than LOVE. Then I didn’t bother to say anything because I thought since she could realise and utter the problems, she was strong and smart enough to leave him. I was convinced she would soon come to her senses.

I was wrong, after that night-she ran back to him. I tried calling and texting her for 2 weeks to no avail. I got worried and felt she needed an intervention. Now I try to gently convince her that he is harming her emotionally, but nothing seems to work. Even her family and workmates says she has changed dramatically. 

So far he hasn’t hurt her physically, but he is obviously hurting her in a lot of other ways. I feel he is trying to set limitations to her life as in friends, family as well as house issue. Not letting her move into her new condo that she bought. 

What’s a friend to do?

Audrey 

Within Me,Myself and I -Lies a Poet.

2010-09-15T10:11:00.000-07:00

We rely upon the poets, the philosophers, and the playwrights to articulate what most of us can only feel, in joy and sorrow. They illuminate the thoughts for which we only grope; they give us the strength and balm we cannot find in ourselves. Whenever I feel my courage wavering I rush to them. They will give me the wisdom of acceptance, the will and resilience to push on.

- Helen Hayes

Within me lies a restless soul,

held captive in my own imperfect flesh,

...And...

What you see is clothe,

What lies beneath,no one knows.

....When....

I lay my imperfect flesh as the night silents ,

My mind- asking silent questions

Private.. Very Private Question

 Why the lies?

Why the games and deceit?

Why does happiness always run away?

Can i forgive? 

How can i move forward?

Can i ever pass this?

Is there any hope for me?

Why do i long to fly away?

Why do i feel forgotten?

Why do i care? 

Why do i even bother?

Will there be answers to my questions?

...But...

I tell myself "Shut Up. Drop It. Get Over It"
I take a deep breath and say it to myself again 
"Shut Up.Drop It.Get over It.

....Never Ending....

How do I Stop?  

Is there a special drug. Help me find It.

...OR help me...

 Set Me Free,Let Me Go

....I don't want to....

My heart doesn't work anymore

It no longer follows the Mind

But i'll choose my Mind over my Heart anytime 

My mind -My Intelligence, My Strength, My Gravity and My Victory

I don't want to Fall

 ....But most of the time....

My heart- My Stupidity,My Weakness ,My Fall and My Soulless Being

I want to feel nothing than to feel something
Its easier 

and so i tell myself "SHUT UP.DROP IT.GET OVER IT" 

....I close my Eyes....

I hear my own voice,

"Put your Trust in God"

"He will NOT disappoint you"

...Why...

I ask "Who are you who speaks? My God? My Guardian?" 

I NEED YOU

But Why do i feel forsaken?

Poet-Me,Myself and I 

2010-07-13T20:58:00.000-07:00

Emotions are celebrated and repressed, analyzed and medicated, adored and ignored -- but rarely, if ever, are they honored.

- Karla McLaren

Haven't been writing lately. I've lost all connection with the tabs on my laptop. Checking through my drafts for unfinish blogs that i can continue and post it up. But then, I didn't feel like I'm "being in that" moment anymore. The experience- feeling passed and there no point in sharing without "being in the moment".

I don't know, I prefer spontaneous writing-spontaneous people-being spontaneous. No editing and fretting of words.(haha...yes i do edit my blogs sometimes)

Anyways, there have been A LOT going on my mind-sad to say-not my life. My head is constantly working and thinking....and wondering. I think i best express myself with images today. My mind is blocked from what to say and putting it into writing.

Inspired by one of the blogs that i follow:-

~ My eyes make pictures, when they are shut. ~

~Life is one Big Puzzle, I'm still trying to figure it out~

~ If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius~

~I'm so confused,Can you tell? Uncover Hopes and Dreams as well.If you look hard,can you see? All that become of me.Please if you can read me so well,Tell me how i can be myself~

~I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.~

THE END

FEAR

2010-05-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

Everything I've ever done was out of fear of being mediocre.~Chet Atkins~

It has been 3 nights in a row that i have not slept. If i did,it was only 2 hours of shut eyes..and everything else in my head starts getting loud.

Just an hour ago i felt tired,so i thought to myself "okay,i could sleep...." BUT as soon as i closed my eyes....my head starts getting all worked up,noisy and ....you know...its like the movie MOULIN ROUGE...all crazy and chaotic.( NO PEOPLE,I'm not PMS-ing) Opened my eyes.Got out of bed. Went to the book shelf looking for something to read and hopefully doze off.

The first book that caught my eye was a book i bought about 2 years ago after my miscarriage. A book which i thought could give me answers why i have lost the baby. A spiritual book titled "Praying for a Purpose for Women" by Kay Warren.

Day 1 of the Chapter : What are you afraid off?

Haven't gone through the pages, i sat there thinking.....what's Audrey's biggest fear. Immediately...my mind answered me "FAILURE". I sat there thinking for a moment . I felt like i was looking back at what has happened to me past 5years and life right now ...and answers came pouring in-FAILURE.

So before that...What is FEAR? Obviously I've goggled the meaning:-

1.an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight)
2. an anxious feeling
3. a profound emotion inspired by a deity

So Audrey,what are you afraid off?

Failure of Success
Failure of a Commitment
Failure of Marriage
Failure of not being able to Conceive
and most of all is i fail, I'll be branded as incompetent.

I know that mistakes and failure are part of our lives but right now...at this moment...I'm all FEARED out.
I feel that this fear of failure is holding me back from what i want out of life. This fear is not allowing me be the real person that i am and be at my best ability i know i have to reach to greater heights. This fear is not letting me break free.

I fear of not having enough for the future. I fear for not spending enough time with my son. I fear that if i throw myself into a rat race I'll be greedy and lose myself.

I fear of a sudden death. How is my husband and son going to cope without me? I fear of husband's death. How will i be able to cope without him? I fear the death of my son, I know i will never be able to accept that (I know I'm sounding paranoid, but i deserve a thumbs up here)

And I can go on and on and on....

In this Chapter A Suggested Prayer is designed to help you seek answer :-

Dear Lord, you want me,Audrey to be strong and courageous.You said "do not be terrified; Do not be discourage,for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.Today i pray that i will learn to trust you more and more.Help me track my progress towards freedom from fear,so that i can always remember how far you're brought me.I thank you in advance for delivering me from my fears.

Today a friend called me. I don't know whether he could hear from my voice but i was trying not to cry..i think my voice cracked a little too...haha....I'm embarrassed now.It could be the stress from not getting enough sleep.

The good thing from this call- he did ask gave me an affirmation when he asked me "what are your priorities?" and so my friend, thank you for making this call and for listening and helping me figure things out.

I feel as though I've let go a little of that fear but what I'm fearing now is...what lies for me tomorrow? :P

Sorry if this blog sounds/looks a little out of tune but I'm mentally tired and can't seem to get the words out right. So I'm gonna keep it short and simple. Just a sharing from the heart before my next attempt in Zzzzzzz land.

The ultimate question i post to you "WHAT ARE YOUR FEARS?"....whatever it is people, we need to overcome them, don't let it overshadow your confidence and dreams.

Good Night...and sweet dreams.

Jiberish Thoughts Part 1

2010-05-25T04:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you know yourself better than anyone else knows you. You know that you are better than the situation you’re in or better than another person you know in terms of your abilities.I don’t latterly mean “BETTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE”.

I ask myself over and over again “what is wrong with me?” I am not satisfied. Not satisfied with my current being and where I am at the moment? I don’t have inner happiness?

Inner happiness to me means being contented and not wanting more. BUT I WANT MORE!

I caught myself WANTing more and this WANTing has turned into a NEED. There is a certain lifestyle and things that I NEED to have in life. But from where I’m standing I feel as though I’m unable grasp that need /want. I need to push myself that extra mile-challenge myself and constantly motivating myself to achieve what I need/Want.

You think that you’ve settled down with a kids and that’s it. I have all the basic amenities in life. I’m surviving yet I feel I’m struggling...struggling because I want more. More of everything in my life and I feel I won’t be happy until I’ve achieve what I want.(Don’t I sound selfish to you know...:) )

Just to think about the wants which have turned to be my needs is rather tiring and IRRITATING. Sometimes I just feel like dropping everything all together and just walk away from EVERYTHING except motherhood.

I wonder why some people in the US choose to be homeless? The choice to leave all that material possession behind, being penniless and just be carefree? Having not to worry where to leave as long as there is safe shelter on your head-Not to worry about money as long as you manage to beg for some money to fulfill a day’s meal? Not to worry about tomorrow...sometimes I wonder what its like to just leave all your material possession behind and just live with NOTHING.

Oh Gosh, I don’t think I even know whats NOTHING feels like. I’ve always been wanting and wanting. And that wanting acquires my brain to think and think and stress about it and I’m just sick of it.

I try to take one day at a time but that one day at a time just passes by so swiftly and it’s making me worry-worry because I haven’t got anything done or achieve any of my goals. I’m at a point where I question myself “What am I doing in this world?”. Everything has a purpose and what’s mine? The things I do right now and the things I want-I feel stupid.

Because of all this stress of wanting more, I feel I’m just not good enough in anything I do. I must admit that I have not put enough effort BUT-yeah, there’s a BUT...life is surrounded by factors, obstacles and the most I hate-idiotic people.

Yes, as much as I’d like to say I’m not affected by people and environment-I am.
I have not reached to the point of being HOPELESS but situations are making me more restless and frustrated. I hate this feeling because I don’t feel like I’m in control. I always had things figured out but right now there is A LOT of?????? in my head.

I can’t sleep... When I try to close my eyes all I see is the kind of life I should have had and must have...and it’s getting my head all worked up over this WANTING MORE which I feel I NEED them.

Maybe it’s me getting older with hormonal changes and being cranky. I’m turning into a C.O.W=Cranky Old Women @ Decipher. One thing for sure-THERE MUST BE CHANGE.

FYI, I saw a Braun Buffel bag that I want and I need to have it...and it pisses me off when I would even think twice about getting it because I told myself I don’t need it and its more like a want but deep down I need it to go with my purse of the same brand but wanting it to be a need wouldn’t be fair for something else which is more important...hahaha....get what I’m saying? I kept on going back to the shop like 5 times to contemplate whether I should have it.....And that stressed me out so much that ZITs are starting to surface on my face. Oh well......

ARE YOU SINGLE AND AVALIABLE?

2010-04-28T21:41:00.001-07:00

Do you think you can make her laugh? I think she needs a real MAN in her life-not just a person with balls between his legs. Someone who thinks that treating a women right is important.

I’ve known her all my life. She is the sister I never had. She’s a beautiful person inside out but need a person patient enough to let her heal her broken heart.

She enjoys good music, good conversations over a glass of white wine or a mug of beer. She the type of person that isn’t afraid to show you affection and isn’t shy to do so in public.

She’s isn’t afraid to give her opinion...And if you’re an opinionated- person yourself-you’ve found your match.

I think she needs someone who doesn’t take himself too seriously but takes life one day at a time. Appreciating what life has to offer-its ups and downs.

She needs a person that’s not afraid to be honest and to show his vulnerability as well. When she’s pissed, you see an angry person. When she’s sad, you’ll see a person with teary eye. When she’s happy, you see a beautiful women smiling. Knowing her all these years, you must be able to handle the ride.

She’s unpredictable, I call her crazy-crazy good. She’s “ a box of chocolate, you’ll never know what you’re gonna get”.

Yes she’s just a girl-not looking... (I’m doing the looking for her) but i think she’s just a simple and down to earth girl that just needs LOVE, HOPE and FAITH. And if you think you can give her that or have a friend you think is suitable for her, email me at s_leean@hotmail.com. Lets get to know each other first.

Am I crossing the line? Why am I doing this?

1. I love her as my own sister-i think there is a slight possessiveness for her

2. I want her to experience LOVE and what LOVE means. It’s not about Love at first sight nor gifts and travels.

3. Experiencing Love with the right person although it may not end up together

4. I think she deserves soooooo much more than she thinks.

I know I’ll be kicked in the ass if she finds out about this...but...HAHA!

RESPONSIBILITIES

2010-04-28T05:18:00.000-07:00

The Price of Greatness is Responsibility~ Winston Churchill~

I always start off my blogs with quotes. Its easier for me to get my message across by sidestepping them with examples and experiences.

I was instill to ALWAYS take responsibilities on your OWN actions, take responsibilities in your OWN failures and take responsibilities in what YOU undertake.

You are OBLIGATED to take these responsibities because your actions not only affect others but your own being. It reflects the integrity and moral values you have. And I am one person that never fails to emphasisValue.

I think my parents and hubby knows that this “TAKING RESPONSIBILITIES” has always been an important value for me. It irritates me so when I see someone that promises or wants to take up a project but does not own up to it to the fullest.

If I see a person whom undertakes a task and not completes it. He/she should be not even voluntarily accepting these responsibilities. If you fail to deliever what you undertake-you should be taking giving a valid reason why you failed rather than twisting everything and playing the blame game.

Yes, I have issues about this term “taking responsibilities”. It’s your duty when you accept a task. When your hands reaches out or your voice says ’I’ll do it” –take it, do it and finish it! When you fail to deliver and is being question-own up to it! Don’t be a fucking sore loser you!

Yes, I have an issue with a certain individual in the workplace. A very self- centered individual who doesn’t think about his colleagues’ feelings and most of all- his lack of intellect irritates makes me feel as though I want to hit my head into a brick wall.

Taking responsibility in a task should be a greatest obligation because it not only show how people can rely on you...but most of all TRUST you.

In my eyes, you’re a total failure and most of all a LOSER. Furthermore, when you take the responsibility - undertake them with a 110% mental attitude. And not just say stuff like” I’ve done my part okay”...And behold...you provide us a piece of crap. Just shove it down your throat and choke lah. No lame accuses please. Others may be silent about it, but i know they are in total agreement with me.

What’s your worth? You lack Integrity, you’re plain Lazy, UnReliable and UnTrustworthy. You have digged your own grave.

So don’t act all superior on me, I shall say what I believe in...EAT SHIT! You’ve met your IRON JAWED LADY,I shall not bow down to you oh....”Men with ball”s. I shall crush them with my bare hands O Men who thinks a women’s place is in the kitchen. You dinosaur.....you ancient being. BE GONE! (haha...just practising mind yoga..it works).

So never shall I:

“Never, "For the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions. ~Dag Hammarskjold~

Unspoken Thoughts

2010-04-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?~Charles Schulz~

Today i'm here sitting at my desk awaiting for the first walk in client to arrive. Its 2.30p.m and yet no client.So far it has been a slooowwww day. Mondays are always blue.

I'm in La La Land. My mind is restless.Today i'm lost for word..Story in my head...

Law Enforcement in this Country

2010-04-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

"There is no security on this planet. Only Opportunity"

~Dougles Macarthur

Has it been a crazy week!!
First the confrontation-total failure!
And you'll think out with your girlfriends would be a weight lifter...Yea, it was a great night out.Dinner was good,conversations (heart to heart) brought us sooooooooo much closer and reminded ourselves of our existing friendship -good company and we danced to good music through the night.

What happened?

We made a pitstop at Hartamas Square for a late supper before heading back home. I drove. As i came out from the junction i immediately saw a roadblock and i knew it could mean trouble.We quickly took out our extra cash and hid it. I hid mine underneath my car seat-drivers. Did this because should he insist on $$$ then we could say we didn't have enough. BUT it backfired..

True enough we were stopped to the side. The Policeman ask "where are you girls from?" "We're from Hartamas Square after supper heading home". "Were you drinking?""Yes, i did - a little that was like couple of hours ago." Then he came close wanting to smell my breath. Then he ask us to wait and left to join the rest of the policemen.

Another policeman came by " Identification and drivers license please" I gave it to him. silently..and getting very impatient (we knew what was coming)

"Did you drink?" Yes,i did.(Silent) "i'm going to let you exhale on a alcohol breather. If the light turns red, it means you have alcohol in you." "Sir, i said i drank, and obviously you would detect alcohol in me. Doesn't the reading have to reach 80 for you to detain me?" "You just try this first. If it turns red then you follow me to the station to do another test" "you mean this test does show the percentage". (yea..trying to scare me and my gfs)

When the policemen said that i had to go down to the stationto do another stupid test- I'm thinking like..why all the hassle??!! Shouldn't the policemen be well equipt to conduct this kind of roadblocks? DRAMAS!!

It was sooooo obvious that this policemen was making us look bad just because he saw a friend passed out at the back seat-threatening to drag us to the station unless you give them that extra RMs in their f@#king pockets.

I don't condone at all to this kind of behaviour-bribery. I think these policeman are degrading their indignity. He tried all tactics to make us "realised" what he wanted. A friend tried to negotiate but i refused.

"Lets go to the station" i said. A friend said " Mr.policemen, ignore my friend. She's not in a good mood. She just broke up that's why she's moody How can you help us? or How can we help you?" I just look at the policemen straight-smiling-giving him my killer stare. "How to help? (sounding VERY sarcastic)Your friend doesn't want me to help. She just said to go to the station. (Scratching his forehead) i don't know how to help if she doesn't want to help herself". (ASS...)

I didn't like where the conversation was heading. I said go to the station. So he ask me to move to the passenger seat. I ask him " why should i let you drive my car? Why don't i drive and follow you from the back". He said it was procedure. Not wanting to waste time i just moved over.

I was TRYING SO HARD to keep my calm and said a short prayer :). Asking God to reduce whatever possible excess alcohol level in me and calm me down...(hehehe) but i was confident i was going to pass the test. I did not drink much and we had supper before heading back home.

He brought us to H.S Lee police station down town KL. As soon as we stopped, my friend tried to negotiate again. Getting really pissed now....i said "i'm going to the loo and asked the policemen for direction". My friends and the policemen was still sitting in the car.

While i was in the loo, he told my friend that he was willing to settle...settle for RM100....EACH (RM100 X 4 girls=F@#king Corrupt-cier) . That pissed them all. They all agreed with the test.

Coming out from the loo, he was waiting outside and directed me in the station. I followed him. He tried to stall(is that how you spell). So i looked for him. "How long is this going to take. Its almost morning and i have to sent these girls home before i head home myself. Can we get started." So he took another small machine-alcohol detecter.

He ask me to put a straw like tiub and exhale. The reader came to 35/80. I repeated the test(mangkuk ayun!).Result:40/80. "isn't that enough now? you want me to do it again and again and again until it reaches 80?" He looked at me and sat me down.

Ask him whether he needed me to do anything else. "Yes, you need to fill in these paper". I said "fine, give me a pen. What's the paper for?" He was holding both my I.D and drivers license while tabbing it on the table...as if to scare me or something. Then he spoke" you don't actually need to sign paper. Come i'll walk you to your car". He lead me out. I asked for my I.D but he was still holding on to it.

Before he handed over I.D...

Policer Officer: Check you car..
Me:What for?
Police officer: check whether anything is missing.
Me: Lost? why would anything be lost ( 2 of my girlfriends was in the car while i was in the station) while the other was still with me.
Policer Officer: Cause i drove your car on the way here.
Me: I doubt it. anyways good night. (thinking nothing would be lost now,police officer?....and my friends was in the car the whole time)

A gf and i went in thinking why he said that. i drove out from the station half way through the city...still his question was still in my head. I slot in my hand (while the other was on the steering wheel) underneath my seat..to my disbelief....MY MONEY WAS GONE!!!! I was outraged!!! and started cursing him over the moon.

When i manage to stop my car, the only note i found was RM50 that flew to the back floor mat. I lost RM220. Great...and i thought i could pamper myself with a good relaxing Spa the next day.

Now...i wished i was wiser enough to have recorded the conversation and trap him into accepting bribery.

Yes,I'm still pissed with this incident..even now...NOW because it didn't cross my mind that a LAW ENFORCEMENT/POLICEMEN who took an oath to be true,stand for justice and protect its citizen would stoop so low to STEAL... (fyi, he was wearing a lime green vast over his badge and name-when ask for his name...he pretended he didn't hear) WHAT A CORRUPT OFFICER!

Are all these policemen being trained some special skill to better their interpersonal skills to tame the public to surrender to bribery and also " get into the minds of people"?? (he was smart enough to know that i hid my money underneath the car seat). It sure seems like it.

I HOPE HE GETS CAUGHT NEXT TIME....AND IF i ever met him again...i now know better.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Saya Anti Rasuah? CRAP OF COW-DANG SHIT....they should just shove it up their asses.Some even have the guts to pin on the badge while smooth talking their way into bribery.

It always takes two to tango- So DON"T condone or surrender to bribery! NO BRIBERY!! They usually say these kind of things "you tolong saya,saya tolong awak la. (you help me,i help you la)..." LOADS OF COW SHIT UP THEIR MOUTH

http://malaysiacrimewatch.lokety.com/policemen-held-for-bribery/

Just Audrey: Introducing Chris Pereira aka Decipher

2010-04-08T21:24:00.001-07:00

Just Audrey: Introducing Chris Pereira aka Decipher

http://juiceonline.com/music/focus-artist/detonate-decipher/

Introducing Chris Pereira aka Decipher

2010-04-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

Chris,
congratulation!!! Hard work pays...keep up the good work and never give up. I'm here supporting you from afar.Love Yea!!!!

http://juiceonline.com/music/focus-artist/detonate-decipher/

Just Audrey: Hypocrisy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypocrisy)

2010-04-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

Just Audrey: Hypocrisy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypocrisy)

Hypocrisy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypocrisy)

2010-04-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

Hypocrisy is the act of persistently professing beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that are inconsistent with one's actions. Hypocrisy is thus a kind of lie.
For example, a man who complains of cars speeding down his street, but speeds himself would be considered a hypocrite.
Hypocrisy may come from a desire to hide from others actual motives or feelings. Hypocrisy is not simply an inconsistency between what is praised or admired and what is done. Samuel Johnson made this point when he wrote about the misuse of the charge of "hypocrisy" in Rambler No. 14:

Nothing is more unjust, however common, than to charge with hypocrisy him that expresses zeal for those virtues which he neglects to practice; since he may be sincerely convinced of the advantages of conquering his passions, without having yet obtained the victory, as a man may be confident of the advantages of a voyage, or a journey, without having courage or industry to undertake it, and may honestly recommend to others, those attempts which he neglects himself.^[1]

This is what i'm feeling....Hypocrisy...i'm confused. Distance could be the answer when one is mislead by hypocrisy. Living up to expectations,gaining popularity and a BROWN NOSER ( thanks Sean to the word)was never my virtue or principle.It has never crossed my mind. I'm starting to question the degree of relationship. I'm what i am-honest to my true being. I am living life as i am...my true friends know who i am. i don't want to care any longer.

The End

Confrontation/Gossiping

2010-04-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

I was pretty amuse with the confrontation i had today with a co-worker. Amuse because he not only looked funny but lack of composure (do that twist baby) when i ask him to own up to what was the problem he had with me and "what the hell is with the rumour la...".

Childishly...he stutters,avoid eye contact and start cursing at me when i was laying down what i knew/heard and whom i heard it from. i'm like "'eeekkk???...why la you cursing(my thoughts)...and i said (rather calmly) to him "f@$K you...(in between still cursing)..and Good luck in you Marriage"...and immediately he kept silent.(i know it was stoop of me to say that)

Althought it didn't go anywhere and i didn't expect it too...it was good...good because he showed his true colours. A man in a child's mind.

I think people who intentionally spread rumours or uncertain issues they NOT know about or make assumptions are malicious and cruel .Even worst, some purposely gang up to hurt the other party-litterly. They may think that people surrounding them may applaud or support their behaviour but little did they know...they despise them.

Recently it has come to my attention that a so called "used to be a friend" has been talking about my private issues. Apparently we drifted apart because i said something harsh to him which he couldn't accept and use what "information" he thought was valid making my reputation bad by twisting and degrading me to my colleagues and outsiders.

And so i decided to confront this person believing just because we used to be friends, at least i showed him some respect rather than confront him in front of other people.And try to find out what was his problem. BUT i now understand that confrontation don't work with ignorant and dumb people. You'll think at least he doesn't deny the fact that he has been bitching around BUT duh.....surprise surprise...a 10 year old emerges in a manly form.

My close friends and Hubby has told me to just let it go BUT i decided to go ahead in hopes to kiss it goodbye. I feel if i don't confront him,I'll hold to the resentment-At least he knows what i'm feeling and my thoughts .

So anyways...from my confrontation today,Here are some Tips for people who choose to confront people who spread rumours or gossips.

1)Don't have the confrontation until you have calmed down.
There's no reason for a war to break out between the two of you, even though the temptation might be there.
a)Go to that person and ask them directly is they have been spreading rumours. Be sure to get that person in a room,this way they don't have to act tough around their friends/alliances

2)State your feelings tactfully and ask why they told others about your private issue /make assumption or twisted the truth.
b)If they lie and say they haven't,tell them someone they know has told them about the gossiping.

3)Listen attentively to gain understanding. (although he make funny faces while talking and cursing and acts like a cavemen).This does not mean their reasons are acceptable, but it's important to listen attentively so you can decide if this person should be in your life or not. Maybe they made a horrible misjudgment and are very remorseful. Maybe they are a habitual blabbermouth who cannot be trusted or just simple bitter Bitchiness in them.
c)some people are stubborn and don't care of people feelings.If you can't get through them,just ignore and let people believe what they wan

4)Allow this person to know how their gossip affected you and people who may be involve - how much being the talk of the town and your reputation being tainted, has hurt you.

5)Express your feelings in a genuine manner.Let them know you trusted them/people have trusted them with your/their private innermost thoughts because of how much you thought of them.
d)Stand your ground and defent yourself,let the other people that it's uncalled for.

6)Express how you were very disappointed and confused because of their actions and the violation of your relationship.
e)Ask them open ended questions,such as "why are you so concerned ?"with the number of phone calls i make?".Make them explain their rationale for gossiping,

7)Hold your head up high.Live by example and allow that gossip that tarnish your reputation die a natural death (or just hope karma come biting him in the ass)

8)You don't even have to defend yourself or the tattered reputation. Just let it be.
Those who know you won't believe the gossip.Those that do,have bigger issues than yours.

9)Gossipers can be insidious people and they can become a victim of other gossipers themselves. Today you are the talk of the town,tomorrow will be somebody's turn.

10)Cherish your relationship especially those who have been proven trustworthy.They are rare to find.Be mindful of your reputation by living with honour and be true to yourself -Gossip will never be the victor..and the Gossiper will be the failure.

Tommorow will be a New Day.The End